I have lost it

I have lost the ability to write.

I have spent 3 years writing in my journal every day of my life, as an exercise to strengthen my development of words and ideas, and at the same time, to create a memory album where I can choose a random date, and go back in time between pages to find out what I was feeling.

However, I have stopped doing it. It consumed so much time in my day that I could no longer concentrate on other projects, on other writings, all because I fell behind on my little daily autobiography.

I focused on my collection of poems, on my jobs, on my home. And now, that I have opened blogspot to write about the book I just finished reading, I have achieved nothing. I haven't even come up with a conclusion to the topic I started.

I lost it. I have lost the ability to feel with words. And it's very strange because, when my favorite hobby was photography, every time I went out I only saw photos, and when my writing hobby became my addiction, everything I felt I saw written on paper.

But now it's not the lack of ink, it's the lack of feeling.

I feel sad and frustrated. Where did she go? What tik tok did she stay on? In which of my 9 diaries was the Ilse that she constantly created trapped, and the one that she only learned to consume came out? And above all, why does she consume herself?

I know that nothing is fatal or permanent. But I believe you are what you do every day. And every day I consume more while creating less.

I have spent this entire month so pigeonholed in the details of my collection of poems that now, in my free time, I dedicate myself to saying that I don't have time while I go to bed to look at my cell phone.

It's incredible that, after almost 3 years of not sharing anything on this blog, I have had this enormous need to communicate something, but I don't know how to say it, I don't know if there is anything to say.

Same and that's it. Maybe and I need to shut up for a while while I shut up others, and by others I mean all this noise in which I surround myself.

There was a day when my entire head felt like a spider web on top of a spider web. I couldn't listen to music because I felt tired, where does all this tiredness come from? Why is everything so overwhelming and boring?

It wasn't until I took off my headphones that I realized how quiet the world is. And how good it feels. It wasn't until I walked without them that I noticed that the construction next to the park isn't as loud as it seems, it's just that my music is so loud that I never noticed that the birds sing in winter too.

There is so much noise all the time. And what will become of this writing, one more piece of content in this vast and contaminated universe of entertainment. I don't know, but at least I want it to be worth it. I want to go back to working for those little things that make you pause for at least 5 minutes to listen to the silence of the cars, the silence of the people, the silence of the neighboring construction.

It's so quiet that our headphones don't let us hear.